I feel such relief knowing nobody is reading this.

I am… not exactly great.

I spent most of Thursday sobbing while trying to force myself to “work”. Often when I hear people say they’ve cried for hours, I dismiss it as hyperbole, but I quite literally

I sobbed for so long that the next day, my eyes looked like they were mercilessly stung by bees.

I haven’t been able to function since Wednesday evening. I don’t know exactly what was it that broke me. but a general cloud of despair has settled in.

I developed a mantra “nothing good will happen.” I tell it to myself whenever I catch some sliver of hope rearing its ugly head, or if I start slipping into a daydream. It’s a more matter of fact version of what I tried to tell myself as a teen: don’t expect good things, and you’ll never be disappointed.

I don’t know what I’ll do next week. I’ve hoped for everything, from a life threatening injury to full blown nuclear annihilation to fall upon us, so I won’t have to face whatever it is that comes.

I thought I’d be better, that I wouldn’t find myself here again. But that was foolish of me. To go off my meds, to lie to my therapist in order to get her off my back.

I’ve started to believe maybe I wasn’t built for the world. Maybe I’m not meant to be here.

I remember reading books set in the 60s and thinking what a brutal and horrible experience was for a woman to be lobotomized. Now I often find myself fantasizing about a doctor cracking open my skull and extricating the part of my brain that feels pain, that asks too many questions, that is never satisfied.

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